Fear exists best in darkness. I feel I need to shine a light on one of mine that’s been preying on me recently.
As most of you know, I just went through an extended period of unemployment. I’ve finally found work (yay!) as a tutor at a learning center. It’s unfortunately only part-time, but at least it’s work, and it’s something I really enjoy.
My fear is, yet again, that I won’t be good enough. That I’ll mess up once too many times and get fired. I’m beating myself up over the slightest mistakes, overanalyzing everything I say to the director or assistant director and everything they say to me, trying so hard to be perfect that it’s inevitable I’ll slip up. It’s making me anxious, winding me up so tight I’m getting headaches.
I was talking it over with Mom and Dad, and Dad said something that nailed it: I feel vulnerable. It’s the truth. I’m just starting to get back on my feet, just starting to feel like a contributing member of society, just starting to be able to work with my own money instead of borrowing, and it all feels so fragile. It terrifies me that I’ll lose it. I’m so desperate not to screw this up that I’m sure that desperation shows.
And I’m exhausted.