To expose a fear

Fear exists best in darkness. I feel I need to shine a light on one of mine that’s been preying on me recently.

As most of you know, I just went through an extended period of unemployment. I’ve finally found work (yay!) as a tutor at a learning center. It’s unfortunately only part-time, but at least it’s work, and it’s something I really enjoy.

My fear is, yet again, that I won’t be good enough. That I’ll mess up once too many times and get fired. I’m beating myself up over the slightest mistakes, overanalyzing everything I say to the director or assistant director and everything they say to me, trying so hard to be perfect that it’s inevitable I’ll slip up. It’s making me anxious, winding me up so tight I’m getting headaches.

I was talking it over with Mom and Dad, and Dad said something that nailed it: I feel vulnerable. It’s the truth. I’m just starting to get back on my feet, just starting to feel like a contributing member of society, just starting to be able to work with my own money instead of borrowing, and it all feels so fragile. It terrifies me that I’ll lose it. I’m so desperate not to screw this up that I’m sure that desperation shows.

And I’m exhausted.

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2 thoughts on “To expose a fear

  1. I know what you mean, and I would expect you’re right – your coworkers and managers probably sense it. Honestly, honesty may be your best bet; you might want to think about talking to one of the directors (if they seem like decent people) and just letting them know *why* you seem desperate or stressed – it lets them know that you’re not nervous about your qualifications, you’re just nervous. (Mind you, if you don’t get a good vibe from them, fake it and make it!)
    Either way, you’ll do fine. You’ve started from stratch before; it’s made you stronger. When the worst that can happen is that you add something new to your resume, that’s not so bad. You’re stronger than you think.
    Good luck!

  2. Nutmeg says:

    Oh sweetie, I love how honest you are. I’m praying for peace. When my fears run away with me I read Psalm 91 over and over like I would drink water to survive. You are going to make it. I just read in Genesis 13:16 where Hagar is being abused by Sarai and runs away. The Lord talks to her so gently and she goes back saying, “You are the God who sees me.” God sees you. He knows you. You are precious and unique. Rest in His sight. I love you!

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